Into The Past

No matter how much you want to believe that once you got past a certain stage in the pain, it all just “went away”. But, honestly, we all know that the pain from the years before, the permanent scars that wounded and belittled our hearts, are still living inside us.

There will be those days in which we feel our heavy hearts the most, the weight on our shoulders dragging us down. Then there will be days in which we feel the lightest and the happiest, the impossible even seemingly possible in some magical way.

Some days I remember how it was for me a little over a year ago. I hated my guts. I hated myself for every decision I ever made to become the person that I was. I didn’t believe myself worthy of anything. I was told that it was foretold that I’d be a failure.

So, a year later, today, as I look back into time I realize that there are so many things I could tell my younger self:

Dear Younger Me,

You don’t have to dress up in those dresses and ribbon if you don’t want to. You don’t have to laugh and smile if you aren’t happy because your emotions are meaningful and you are important here.

When you grow older and find that you don’t have many friends, be grateful that you don’t have to have friends to be happy. I know you want to be one of those kids with a group, one of those kids who have people to share things with, but you just aren’t one of them. You don’t need them. Just be you.

Don’t fall for your sister’s friend. Somewhere in his heart, he will always look at you as the little sister of a girl he used to like. And don’t blame yourself for when he cheats; don’t think it’s the end of you; don’t try to hold onto something that didn’t deserve your mercy in the first place.

Don’t fall for your best friend at a low point. Don’t listen to that fraction in your heart that tells you to stay when the rest of you knows that walking away will be the better of the two. It’s not worth the pain; it’s not worth the stress; and, sweetie, you deserve so, so much better than all that crap.

It’s okay when you choose a career that isn’t in the medical field. You’ve spent enough time in hospitals and doctor’s offices to know that is not where you want to spend the rest of your life working. It’s okay when people disapprove because, girl, this is your life and no one else needs to live the consequences of your decisions but yourself.

There are a million of things I wish you didn’t do, as there are a million things I wish you weren’t going to go, but the one thing I want to tell you is that…you are loved. You are a beautiful and strong little girl who has had to fight for her life every since she was little. Keep fighting. You’re a fighter. Know what you stand for and never back down. Because of you, there is a difference that is made in many lives. You are important. You are wonderful. Never stop being you.

But, in reality, I don’t know what I would change about myself when given the chance. The fabric of time is a fragile little thing that can change countless of people’s lives when disturbed. And even if that weren’t the case, I don’t think I would have the guts to change myself in the past.

I get there are things we all would love to “get rid of” or “change/replace” about ourselves. But it doesn’t matter how many flaws we have because every piece of our hearts, every quality we have deep in our bones, make us the very essence of who we are.

If we don’t like something that we stand for, we can change that now and today. If we don’t like a certain characteristic we have, we can develop new habits starting today. If we don’t like a decision we made in the past, we can learn from the mistake and remember not to make the same mistake twice from now on. We might be able to change the past, and we might not even want to if ever given the chance, but we can change our lives today.

Dear Younger Me,

You’re perfect the way you are because you are everything that becomes who I am today. I couldn’t be more proud of you.

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