When I got my job, my friend – one of the few who saw me go through everything we put each other through – had warned me about running into you. She was wary of the possibility that I might have to have a forced interaction with you. I thought the possibilities were low since there are over 10,000 students on campus and we are just 2 of them. Then, one day, when I looked up to see who was the next customer after mine…my eyes caught yours.
Purposefully, I slowed down and took my time on the customer I had at hand. I was seconds away from needing to help you with a forced smile and stiff back. Then, I heard my coworker call you over and a part of me felt myself let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding. But…if I were honest, I wanted to have been the one who helped you. And feeling that stir up inside me, I paused after finishing the transaction and said hi to you. But, what were the odds, you had class at 6 until 10, just as I did.
If I were honest, I would’ve stepped outside to catch you and talk briefly. If I were honest, I would’ve shook off the feeling of chasing after nothing. If I were honest, that day wouldn’t have happened as it did.
If I am honest, I don’t know why I chased after you and our friendship. If I am honest, the text you sent me gave me a reason to let myself lose respect for any relationship we had together. If I am honest, I know what you did (say ‘goodbye’ out of not wanting to hurt me anymore) was a noble act…but I expected/wanted you to fight for us until the end as I would’ve gone to the ends of the world for you and me to be happy together.
But, at this point, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be chasing after anymore. I don’t know where I stand with you, and you know how much I despise not knowing where I stand. I don’t know what you want with me, and you know how much that confusion bothers me. I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to do to get us back to where we were…but I also don’t know whether I even have the energy to fight for us anymore.
Friendships die; friendships drift apart. Our lives are constantly changing; we, as individuals, change almost as fast as the tides.
I will always welcome you back into my life when things settle down. I will always care and wish for the best for you. I will always hope you are doing well and life is gentle to you. I will always, always love what used to be. I will always love everything that happened between you and me, friendship and all.
But, now, today, it’s time for me to get along with my life. It is time for me to take care of myself without the thought of you in my mind. It is time for me to worry about my future instead of a future with anyone else. It is time…for me to wake up because, for a long time now, I’ve known that there wasn’t anything left to be chasing after.
You closed that door when you said ‘goodbye’. You closed that door when you walked away. You closed the door…only you can open it again.
And, one day, I hope you do.