I remember their words, so clearly.
“Your sister is smarter.”
“You won’t be successful being who you are.”
“You care about people too much. Don’t you know none of them genuinely care about you?”
“No boy would want to marry someone like you.”
“Don’t cry! Are you pathetic?”
“You’re just a piece of trash.”
“I had a daughter not a son!”
” ___ isn’t for girls.” — “That’s not what a good girl would do.”
“Are you trying to embarrass us?”
“Why do you worry about them? It’s stupid.”
“No boy would like you with all your scars.”
“People like you should go kill themselves.”
“No wonder you don’t have any friends.”
“You are nothing but a waste of air and space!”
“They just put up with you. It’s not like they actually want you there, or care.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
“I knew you would fail.”
“We gave up on you going to university.”
“Why do you always force us to worry about you?”
I remember the exact tone of voice each person used, whether it be a classmate, a friend, a relative, or my parents. I remember the feelings of unwanted and unloved. I remember the feeling of my heart break a little more each and every time.
I remember how scared I got whenever I thought I was going to lose someone. I remember all the nights I cried myself to sleep. I remember how much I hated myself because I didn’t reflect what others wanted to see.
I remember believing their words and repeating them to myself, and wanting to disappear. I remember getting tired of hearing the same old sentences over and over again, and wanting to run away. I remember feeling so helpless as if I was caged by their thoughts, and wanting so badly for everything to just…stop.
It’s almost a fully year since I’ve heard these things. It’s also almost a full year since I’ve had a descent conversation with anyone from my past, including my parents….then again, did we ever truly talk? Not really. It’s almost a full year since the nightmares haunted my daydreams…but, like always, a fairytale always has to come to an end.
I hate that I can’t ignore them. I hate that I can’t get it out of my head. I hate…
But, then again, I’m still learning.