There was something I had once said, probably four years ago:
“If you want to leave, I won’t make you stay. If you don’t want to go, I won’t be able to push you away.”
I look back and still want to believe it to be true.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all been lied to, cheated on, used in some way, or worse. And these are things that can potentially scar someone. They are things that can really hurt someone. If you’re one of the broken people in this world holding a lot of pain in your heart, like me, you understand where I’m coming from when I say: I tend to not believe someone is genuine without persistence.
If you don’t understand, let me explain:
Throughout my life, I’ve encountered countless people who plainly want to use me, people who don’t genuinely care but pretend to, people who play life as a game and get entertainment out of your suffering. I, like most people, have been betrayed a lot. I’ve been lied to plenty of times.
To be honest, these things left a scar…a scar that still needs a little more healing even today.
So when a person comes up to me and suddenly act like they are interested in me, like they care, like they want to learn about me, like they want to be there for me…it scares me. Most encounters like this always ended up badly. So when I end up facing them again, my guard goes up and I start trying to push the person away.
The belief is, if the person is genuinely interested and want to be a part of my life, I won’t be able to push them away. Don’t get me wrong, I usually tell them parts of my past that relate to why I react like this, at least parts I’ve come to terms with. I explain myself, in a way, and continue to be myself. If I get scared, I push you away. But, my belief is, if you genuinely care and genuinely want to be there, then I shouldn’t be able to push you away.
When life gets in the way, or things become complicated, I push. I may push buttons. I may get frustrated and lash out. I may go through with more of my impulses than I would regularly. I do all these things, because I want to be in someone’s life. It means that particular person means a lot to me and I want to “prove it”. Sometimes I just go with the flow, but if a friendship really means a lot to me I will fight for it. I will not let “life” get in the way just because I’m scared to rock the boat. Life is only 10% what happens, but 90% how you react. If you mean something to me, if you mean a lot to me, I will fight for you…I will fight for us. And I really hope you will too.
— I want to believe this to be true, still today. If you want to be in my life, my fears should not be able to push you away. If you want to be in my life, the world should not be able to make you leave me.