BitterSweet Memories

The memories. The photographs. The souvenirs. The dreams. The emotions. The memories.

I look back to that year and think, “Wow. Just Wow.” So much happened that year. There were so many things going on at the same time. There was so much hope and happiness yet so much pain and torture. There was so much betrayal and back-stabbing yet so much trust and faith. There was so much, in general.

The happiness moments of life were during that year. The sadness and most painful (physically and emotionally) moments were also during that year. Somehow, it balanced each other out but never did at the same time.

I remember feeling as if I lived on cloud 9. I remember feeling as if nothing could ever go wrong and I would survive through the mess we were in without a doubt that he would be fighting by my side through it all. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest girl in the entire world. This boy, this young man, loved me and accepted me despite knowing so much about me no one else ever had the chance of knowing. My best friend was my safe zone when everything around me seemed to crumble to pieces. He was the knight in shinning armor who was determined to save me from the dark forces of depression.

I remember feeling as if I had a family. I remember knowing I had my friends to have my back. I remember believing that my friends would always be there for me. I remember thinking we could get through anything, thick or thin, smooth or rough, light breeze or hurricane, if we just stuck together.

I also remember how suffocating the tension became at certain points. I remember how hard it was to breathe. I remember the difficulties of facing some people. I remember hiding away just because I didn’t want to deal with the drama. I remember thinking it will never go away. I remember knowing some things would never be lived down.

I remember feeling as if every choice I made that year was a foolish mistake. I remember thinking I was an idiot for playing into this game of love. I remember feeling my heart being ripped out of my chest millimeter at a time as its blood got squeezed out of it. I remember holding myself and crying because I didn’t know what else to do with myself; I was in so much pain. I remember facing the worst betrayal of my entire life and knowing I would never be the same. I remember wondering if I would survive such a devastating blow. I remember wanting nothing else more but to run away and never look back. I remember wishing I could sink into the black hole I felt my heart being sucked into. I remember feeling nothing but pain.

When I go back through the photos, the pictures, the memories, I remember how happy I was. I remember what a fairytale life felt like. I remember all the happiness that was caught on camera. I remember feeling all the love. I remember feeling the happiness illuminate from me. I remember feeling wanted, cared for, loved, appreciated, etc. Then I remember all the pain that it costed me. I remember the betrayal of the truth/lie. I remember what everything ended up being. It’s not simply the moment that is captured by the camera, but the entirety of the story behind the one scene and that includes the emotions and the feelings. I remember…everything.

I love looking back. I still hold the souvenirs close to heart. They have a lot of meaning to me, especially now that I’ve grown up and changed from the person I used to be. I still look back and remember everything that has happened. I was right when I believed I would never be the same after that. I’m not. I changed. I grew up. I learned. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still remember.

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