Not Today

I don’t want to speak today.

I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want to be doubted. I don’t want to be questioned.

I don’t want to say anything today.

You wouldn’t understand anyway, the demons that constantly whisper sins into my ears. You wouldn’t get it, how often I want to scream my head off in pain and in fear. You wouldn’t like that, knowing how much hurt I hide and all the emotions I keep bottled up inside.

I don’t want to speak today.

Because I know if I do every word I say will be coated with the fear I feel for you.

I don’t want to say anything today.

The tears that fall onto my pillow as I sleep, scream in silence for help throughout the night. The indents in the palm of my hands are like footprints of the white knuckled fists I make as I struggle to stay sane.

I don’t want to speak today.

It’s hard enough to understand the thoughts inside my head, and now you want me to explain them to you? I have a difficult time putting words into a straight line as they fly and haunt me throughout the day. What do you even want me to say? To say that I got this, that I am all fine? Because, guess what, I’m not…even though this line kinda rhymes.

I don’t want to say anything today.

I don’t want to risk the chance of you getting into my head, and messing my world even more than it is. I don’t want to give you the power to hold my life in the palms of your hands.

No. I don’t want to speak today.

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