I start typing here
But I can’t seem to get the right words to say what I feel inside, to express the thoughts spiraling in my mind.
I don’t understand the cloud of thoughts that rumble through my mind and confuse my heart. I don’t comprehend what I’m thinking because it seems as if I am thinking ten hundreds things at once, and that’s not okay. I can’t pick and choose, who and what to listen to. I can’t stop or pause one thought to focus on another. I can’t, but I wish I could.
Because I don’t know what’s going on, and it’s my own mind and heart and soul. I don’t know how anyone can make sense of my thoughts when I can’t even listen to the storm that’s alive within me. I don’t know how anyone has the chance to comprehending what kind of person I am when there is so much going on inside that I can’t even decipher.
I look at a blank screen and try to type out some words. Maybe if I focus on one thing, and simply that one thing, all the other flying objects will disappear. Maybe if I try hard enough to shut off my thoughts, the silence I hear won’t be as tormenting and traumatic. Maybe if I just close my eyes and breathe, just breathe, I will open my eyes to a world that makes sense.
I type a word.
I don’t get it. It feels as if I’m going through the motions aimlessly and without feeling and without heart. It feels as if I am a little machine with a million codes running through it all at once, except…I don’t understand and I don’t comprehend what the heck is happening to me. It feels as if I have a storm living inside of me, a wild animal trying to be heard…but I don’t know what animal it is, what language it speaks, nor what it is trying to say or do.
I end up with this feeling of being trapped. I heard so many people say that, “I feel trapped”, and understand exactly what they mean. I get it…yet I don’t at the same time because even though sometimes it feels as if I am trapped…other times it feels more like I’m the one who is keeping someone or something hostage.