Relapse (Again)

Honest. I don’t know what to expect anymore.

I thought everything was going to be okay…but how do you say that when all you see are mistakes reappearing and moments you never wanted to remember being relived?

That scared, that terrified, that tormented feeling returns back to me each and every time I close my eyes. I can shrug it off, I can ignore it, I can make it seem as if it’s not there during the morning, afternoons, and evenings. But once I try to rest, once I try to close my eyes and let my mind wander freely, it returns. Right when I put my guard back down, everything that once haunted me comes back to my mind and my little demons happily run around within me.

Nightmares returned…and because of that I’ve become a very light sleeper once again. I don’t want to dream. I don’t want to wake up screaming. I REALLY don’t want to wake up to the cold, empty, pitch-black room alone as my body trembles with fear. So I wake up, to almost every sound I hear whether it’s my sister creaking open my door to see if I’m still asleep or the sound of the leaf-blower outside on the street; I wake up, even at times everything is dead silent…because silence is never a good sign in a nightmare, right?

I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t let my guard down anymore. I can’t.

It feels as if I am always waiting for someone to jump me. It feels as if I am always waiting to get that phone call that tells me everyone I care about is dead. It feels as if the most happiest times of my life only exists so I’m caught off guard when the next wave of destruction comes crashing in at 200mph.

What do you do?
When a friend is trying to make you smile on a bad day, but all you can think about is what might happen once you get home? When you’re supposed to be focusing on the lecture in class, but all you can think about is when your phone might start to ring to deliver that horrid message? When you’re driving home on the freeway with some soft music playing to calm you down, but all you can think about is how much easier it would be to crash into the wall at 80mph and let everything go away?

No. I can’t let my fear win. I can’t let my demons control the fight. I can’t.

But my body is shaking, my mind is full of doubts, and my heart is heavy. Nightmares haunt me, dreams shatter in my mind, and the future looks like darkness from where I stand. Relationships are broken, I’m alone, and I’m gasping for a single breath.

It’s been a tough few years. It was just getting better. And now? I guess…life just decided it was time to relapse once again.

My demons whisper in my ears. They dance around my heart. They manipulate my mind. It’s been a while since they had a break from pretending to be such a good girl, and letting the angel rule the world they live in. They want out. They want control of the reins. They taunt me. They tease me. They beckon to me, reminding me of all the things I could do.

My angels are getting weaker. They are losing the battle against the darkness. They are getting fragile. They are getting forced into a cage. They are getting overpowered. They are getting silenced. They are losing their grip on the reins. They are vanishing from my mind and disappearing from my heart. They no longer remind me of all the trouble I could get into and the consequences that come after. They…are nothing but a shadow, now.

My body shakes. My mind races. My heart turns cold.

What will become of me this time ’round…

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