An Emotion(less) Blur

I remember those days where screaming matches were the “norm” of my everyday high school experience. I remember the nights I knew I cried myself to sleep because I’d always wake up with my lashes dried together from the tears. I remember walking as if I were a zombie to all my classes, not even caring whether my friends knew what I was going through. I remember thinking, worrying about broadcasting my problems actually wasn’t one of my problems.

I remember walking in the hallways of my college campus feeling dead inside, constantly tired, and wanting to be anywhere but this town. I remember breaking down when I discovered I wouldn’t get the escape I’ve been living for since it all began. I remember taking it in and dealing with it because I was not ready to fail, I was not ready to get defeated.

I remember the arguments. I remember the tension that always made breathing that much more difficult. I remember the feeling of fear running through my bones as I faced one of my closest friends with a sense that I had let them down. I remember the fights that continued with non-private texts, which somehow would always end up to all the other group members (because…high school…).

I remember classes being relax time for me when it was the most stressful times for my peers. I remember when study time was never silent because there would always be demons whispering in my mind. I remember when I ended up not even understanding the words I wrote on a piece of lined paper for notes because I was too busy trying to feel whether my heart was still beating or not.

I remember that.

I remember that…that darkness.

But I remember it as a blur…



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