Again, and Again, and Again

I wake up in fear. I wake up with a scream. I wake up shaking. I wake up immediately wishing you were there by my side.

I want, no, I need your arms wrapped around me holding me tight. I need to feel your body against mine. I need to feel your lips kiss my forehead as you reassure me everything is alright. I need to hear your voice. I need you.

But, of course, you are never there. You are always miles away. You’re in your own bed, probably sleeping soundly as the clock kept ticking by. So I laid there. I curl up in a ball and wrap the blanket around me, hugging it, my knuckles white from how tightly I grip onto it. I hug myself as my body continued to shake, to tremble as tears fall from my eyes.

“It was just a dream. Just a dream. You were just dreaming…” I plead to myself to stop panicking in the small pitch dark room that suddenly felt uncomfortably suffocating. “Calm down. It was just a dream. It’s just a dream. Just a dream.”

This happens every couple days ever since the accident. I wake up trembling with fear, praying for daylight to come shinning through my shutters already – not that it really helped my tense body and fearful heart. But as I lay in bed, minutes truly feel like hours and hours feel like days as my body continues to tremble.

You always tell me to call you when I wake up, but you know I don’t even though I wake up coated with sweat.
You always tell me to talk to you when it happens, but I realize that you know it continues even without my mentioning them.
You always tell me you can see right through my act of trying to make everything seem okay, but we both know that doesn’t change my comfort in talking about it…even with you.

Whenever I wake up, part of me always knows it was just a nightmare but the other part of me cannot let go of the fear. My body is tense. I jump easily. I startle and panic. I question and doubt. I breakdown and shake. I can’t stop.

I keep looking over my shoulders. I keep feeling the need to have my knife at my side throughout all hours of the day – and even at night. I keep mentally preparing myself for fight. I keep thinking something bad is going to happen. I keep…doing this to myself.

Through everything that has happened, the nightmares continue and the fear has never gone away. The thoughts are still there and my demons still continue to pry. Nothing has changed…or, has it gotten worse?

I continue to wake up in fear. I continue to scream. I continue to shake, to tremble. I continue to need you beside me. I continue to see no light at the end of my dark, dark, dark tunnel.

Has it…has it continued to desensitize me?

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