She cheated. She lied. She played. She led on. She neglected. She was a bitch.
She cheated her heart from the emotions it was supposed to feel. She would turn off her emotions whenever they were too much for her or she thought they were a waste of time and energy. She would push aside her own feelings to spare others’. She cheated herself from the biggest part of what made her human.
She would cheat her friends from a friend who had a negative side, who seemed anything but strong, who had raw emotions. She would cheat her family from the daughter and sister who showed signs of vulnerability, who ever showed weakness, who ever showed a need for help and guidance. She would cheat herself…from life.
She lied to others about how she was and how she felt. She hid her feelings in order to make someone else happy. She forced herself to keep pushing on when she needed an overdue rest. She lied and said she was okay when she truly wanted to cry. She pretended as if she agreed in order to keep the peace in the room. She lied to everyone, including herself.
She played her emotions the way she wanted. She would convince herself to make a certain decision just because everyone else did. She would walk down the path to join her friends even though it wasn’t the one she wanted to take. She listened to her friends and her family as they told her what was right and what was better instead of listening to her own heart and mind. She played through life the way everyone else wanted her to instead of the way she wanted to do it.
She led herself on making her think that this was the life she wanted. She made herself think that these were the choices she had made on her own. She convinced herself to believe this is what she had wanted. She led herself on, creating visions in her head, telling herself that was how her life would turn out; the fairytale moments and scary nightmare dreams would never be anything close to what would happen but it was always what she wanted more than anything else or her worse nightmares come to life.
She neglected herself. She didn’t listen to her body when it told her she needed to rest. She didn’t listen to her heart or her gut when they told her something was wrong. She would ignore the logic from her mind in order to follow her too easily influenced, fake emotions.
She was a bitch…to herself.
She wouldn’t let herself rest. She wouldn’t get help when she needed it. She wouldn’t speak up when she wanted to. She wouldn’t…she just wouldn’t.
She never wanted to seem “weak”. She never wanted to seem “incapable”. She wanted to be the role model who always seemed to have things under control and in order. She wanted to be a person people looked at and wondered how she did it all and was still living such a great life. She never wanted to need anyone else in a way that she was dependent on them. She never wanted to be any less than this image of perfection she had in her mind. She never wanted to be any less than the high standards everyone gave her; therefore, she set even higher standards for herself.
She wanted to be living the dream. She probably was in others’ eyes, but she was living a nightmare in her own mind.