“People who say they don’t want to talk to anyone, say they do not wish to be a burden, say stuff like that don’t have trust. They don’t trust.” -psychologist
What is ‘trust’?
According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the full definition of trust is “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something”, “one in which confidence is place”, “dependence on something future or contingent: hope”.
The simple definition would be “belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.”
Throughout my whole life, from kindergarten and forward, I had never possessed the ability to tell someone everything. I learned from an early stage what dangers there were to having our walls down and was taught to always have my guard up. “There are people who will use you.” “They don’t really care about you.” “You can’t trust them.” I was told.
So I didn’t.
As a child, I put my walls up and I bottled in my emotions. I went through trauma that would probably need psychological help but I never got any. This was how life was.
Growing up, I always knew I had trust issues. Years later, I learned that I had abandonment issues too. But for a person, a professional, to go up to me and say, “You don’t have trust” was beyond something I was ready for.
There were people, a certain couple of people, who I knew and could easily say that I would put my life in their hands. I would believe they would not hurt me on purpose. I could say that they were my closest friends…but I had never been able to tell them everything. Did I not trust them?
In the back of my mind, the answer is ‘no’. I’ve never been able to trust someone fully. I’ve never been able to open to someone and still believe they would accept me for who I am despite all odds. I’ve never had full trust.
But…I have trusted. I trusted my friend to take care of herself. I trusted my friend to do what he needed to do. I trusted that my parents were going to be there for me. I trusted that life wasn’t going to get easier. Is that not trust?
Does trust have to be being able to spill your guts and believe no one will step on them? Does it have to be the ability to pour your heart out without doubt that you will get something back? Does it have to be so complicated?
What exactly is ‘trust’?
I don’t know.