He looked past their pain. He found it amusing when they were struggling with confusion. He was intrigued by their compassion and loyalty. He felt empowered through their suffering.
He mocked those who talked about being selfless. He teased those who fought against their desire behind selfishness. He laughed at their questioning thoughts about good verses evil.
He didn’t think about a lot. He didn’t care for much. He didn’t…know.
But then, one day, he learned.
He didn’t want to be that person anymore. He regretted her mistakes and saw the flaws in her doings. He realized he had been wrong.
He knew it was too late to take back actions he then regretted deeply. He knew his actions would haunt him for the rest of his life. He knew he could never forgive himself for the things he had done.
The memories of it all was punishment. The reasoning he tried so hard to forget was still hiding deep in his mind. That person, that thing, he was…is still inside of him.
He locked her behind bars. He put chains on her ankles and wrapped up her hands. He didn’t need, didn’t want her doing any more harm.
He realized he had a heart when he did not let her control him. He realized he could do better than to follow her every command. He realized he could be a different person…
But that never erases the past of who he use to be.
“who he use to be” = not who he is now
They’re two different people; she and him are two separate beings.
He just needs to keep her in check. He needs to be the bigger person. He needs to take control. He needs to lead the way. He needs to do it all.
No. She cannot say a word. She cannot move from behind the cell walls. She cannot play any cards. She cannot hold any cards. She cannot tell a lie. She cannot manipulate. She cannot.
He won’t let her. She is too dangerous. She is too selfish. She is too power-hungry. She is too much for this world. She is too evil. She is too bad.
She can live in his memories; she has to. He cannot erase her from them even if he wanted to. She can live within him; she is a part of him, a part of him he wishes was not there but also a part of him he knows he has to have to be himself. BUT SHE CANNOT LIVE IN HIS PRESENT AND FUTURE AS MORE THAN A PART OF HIM.
Is that possible?
He fears one day she will get too strong for him. He fears the day she grows to be too much for him. He fears…himself.